Why do we keep fighting about the same thing?

If the key to a good relationship was communication, then why do you keep having the same fight? You’ve probably been hit with the cliche, “communication is key,” and that’s generally good advice, but I think we can agree that sometimes our language causes more harm than good, especially during conflict. So what do we do when our words aren’t enough?

We need to understand that even though a picture is worth 1000 words, 1000 words will never give us the full picture.

So when we keep trying to fill in a picture with our language, we lose the art of interpreting what’s really being painted. The fight you keep having is not about the dishes, it’s about something much more meaningful.

Your partner has 4 different attachment needs, comfort, acceptance, protection, and safety.

Committed couples don’t just hear what’s being said, they listen to each other’s nervous systems, and try to understand what needs are being threatened by the conflict, and work to meet them quickly.

So the next time you find yourself in the same fight, use this acronym to guide you:

F.L.O.W.

F - FEEL what’s happening in your body

L - LISTEN to what needs your partner is asking you to meet

O - OFFER comfort, acceptance, protection, or safety

W - WONDER what went well and where you can grow

I hope this will help you listen to your partner and remember you’re on the same team.

Sometimes, great teammates still need a coach, so if you’re ready to get to the root of the problem and treat your communication like the art that it is, I’m a cou

ples therapist in Kansas, and you can reach me at TherapyChris.com - Christobal M. Griese