How to set Boundaries

It’s hard to set boundaries because the only pain worse than being hurt by people, is being shown the pain that you’ve caused to others.

Boundaries are not an attack, they are a mirror. And just because you’re the one holding up the mirror as a shield, that does not mean it’s your pain to carry.

If you’re considering setting boundaries with someone close to you, you’re likely feeling attacked and looking for a way to start playing defense against stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness, or contempt.

Boundaries are guidelines that will help you organize your response to pain, so you can ensure you’re not over-sacrificing yourself for the sake of the relationship.

That said, all relationships require some level of sacrifice. It’s your job to determine what that level will be for you. Perhaps you’ve become too familiar with the idea that if you are not constantly reaching out or bidding for love, understanding, and acceptance, it won’t be given to you. 

The idea of ‘deserving something’ feels cloudy because your family, friends, faith tradition, or past relationships might have an opinion about what you deserve, but I’m asking you to consider this question for you:

How do you deserve to be treated? The answer to that question will help you know when it’s time to grab the shield. Remember, boundaries are a strong defense to a strong offence. They aren’t a command or even an ask. Boundaries are your response, because that’s the only thing you can control.You can use this formula to help you set boundaries:

If you (X), I will (Y)

EXAMPLES:

X	Y
YELL AT ME	LEAVE FOR 30 MINUTES TO CLEAR MY HEAD
TRY CONTROLLING ME	LIMIT YOUR ACCESS TO ME
SPEAK POORLY ABOUT ME	STOP SHARING PERSONAL INFORMATION
CALL ME ENDLESSLY WHEN I’M BUSY	SILENCE THE NOTIFICATIONS ON MY PHONE
WEAPONIZE POLITICS/RELIGION	DISENGAGE FROM THE CONVERSATION

If you've been struggling to believe that you deserve to be treated well, and you're looking to build the courage to set strong boundaries, you don't have to do it alone. My name is Chris, and I'm a counselor in Kansas. Reach out at TherapyChris.com and learn to love the person you're becoming.