Loneliness is not a character flaw

We did it! Kansas City has been ranked as the worst city for dating relationships! I’d tell you to give yourself a pat on the back, but that’s actually against the point I’m trying to make. There were many reasons cited in the journal as to the reason for such a high ranking such as the spread-out city, relatively low population of young singles, and fewer dating venues. This is a social issue, not a personal one. I can imagine a lot of people struggling with loneliness are convinced that it’s their own fault. When you’re alone in bed at night, I’m sure you’re  completely aware of the societal and economic forces limiting people’s capacity to thrive and connect in a culture surrounding the monetization of every aspect of our humanity, right? Didn’t think so. “It’s all my fault” is a little bit more catchy.

But I’m not only a therapist who’s going to say ‘it’s not your fault’ and leave you there. I actually think taking responsibility for this problem is a huge benefit to your ability to overcome it. However, I think there’s a difference between responsibility and shame. In self-blame, we downward spiral, in self-accountability, we spiral upward.

Here’s the two thought patterns:

It’s my fault:

“I’m lonely” > “It’s my fault” > “they were right” > “I’m too [insert insecurity]” > “I’m not [insert comparative statement]” > “I don’t love me” > “how could anyone else love me.” > “Why should I even try?” >

It’s my responsibility: 

“I’m lonely” > “It’s not my fault” > “It’s my responsibility” > “I’m too quick to blame myself” > I’m not the only person who feels this way > “I love me” > “I’ll keep loving me until someone else is ready to.” > “Why wouldn’t I keep trying?”

Here’s the thing: I know this is a lot easier done than said. I know we literally have the worst city to do this in, but I have to believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to keep leaning in. 

It’s better to have loved and lost.. and lost… and lost… and lost, than to never have loved at all.

The worst part of my job is that I can’t promise results. I can only help you to work with anxiety instead of fighting it. I can help you to reclaim calm one thought at a time, and offer some perspective on what anxiety looks like in everyday life.

When caring starts to hurt too much, you’re rediscovering who you are inside of relationships, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy can help. I’m based here in Kansas City, and I’m currently taking new clients. When you’re ready I’m here. Reach out to set up an appointment at TherapyChris.com or continue to follow along as we discover how to be human together.